I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
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Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
me before I type out affect or effect
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
