Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO