I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
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My Guy
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”