Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

HERE’S MARKY

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite