Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

Breaking news:

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.