I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
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I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Monday?
No. Next question.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.