Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.