I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
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Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.