Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea