Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

But I really needed water water water

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours