I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich