I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
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If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I cannot stop laughing at this
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
WHY?!
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.