I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
You Might Also Like
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think