Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

This one’s “Alex”.

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda