Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.