I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
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my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Brb my Sims are getting married
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.