I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
You Might Also Like
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!