I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
You Might Also Like
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*