Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”