I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
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My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
CUTE CAT‼︎
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.