Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat