I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
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*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.