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Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Phones down.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
it was love at first sight
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.