You Might Also Like
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?