I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
You Might Also Like
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Order here:
More here:
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.