I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
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[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
This has made my week.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Kids forever killing vibes 💀