I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
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interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.