Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

Don’t make me out nice you.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.