I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
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hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
i’m gonna allow it
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.