I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff
I bought my nephew a drum set because:
A) I’m an awesome uncle
B) Learning to play an instrument is important
C) I hate my sister
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*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Why do birds
You are near?
Just like me
Made of bread
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
Customer: can I get some bacon
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.