@mewritesgood

I bought my nephew a drum set because:

A) I’m an awesome uncle
B) Learning to play an instrument is important
C) I hate my sister

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@onlinepope

I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff

@amselts

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

@ChrisHallbeck

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

@Henry_3000

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

@marcodas146

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

@netflix

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

@spaceboyriley

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

@KevinFarzad

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.

@goldengateblond

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.