Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
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My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
What a chick magnet..
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese