Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.