I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
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I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*