I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
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I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.