Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

first you must answer his riddles

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

Pizza is an emotion right?

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

SCARY COSTUME

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?