I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
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my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
he was correct
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
you gotta be faster
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key