Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

A great first step 😂

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

Moving on.

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

[the middle of showering] I need a break

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.