I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
