I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
and now we wait
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*