I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I