Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.