Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

I have a type: disappointing

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home