Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

How all things should be taught/explained.

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras