Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

Body by cheese-puffs.

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?