Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups