Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only bumper sticker ill allow

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

They’re the worst 😩

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?