@MichaelTrying

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

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@Schmoodles

I’m responsible for 84% of all cat videos currently available on YouTube.

@UncleDuke1969

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

@Tbone7219

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

@uncle_fescue

I just saw my ex get hit by a snow plow but in all fairness I have never driven one of these before.

@pbear79

A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date..

Long story short, picking her up at 7.

@RunwayDan

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

@CherBear162

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

@Moemontes

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

@simoncholland

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.