I’m responsible for 84% of all cat videos currently available on YouTube.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
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Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
M: You’re a PEACH!
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
I just saw my ex get hit by a snow plow but in all fairness I have never driven one of these before.
A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date..
Long story short, picking her up at 7.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Where’s my cell?
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.