Your honor these allegations are
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Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge