I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
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*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”