Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about