I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
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ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
If a snake ate a cake
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”