I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
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If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.