I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
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When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
the duality of man
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?