Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]