I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
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bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.