I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
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News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
on da cob, we all corn
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
The devil.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.