Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either