Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

Weirdos gonna weird.

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂