I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
😭😭
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
#ProTip
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.