I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
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It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”