Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.