I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I’m thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.
I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.
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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy