[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
You Might Also Like
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
english majors be like furthermore
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.