I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.