*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
You Might Also Like
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I really had high hopes for this year though
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity