Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
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My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I’m having an out of money experience.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.