I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
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“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Uh oh…
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality