I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
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I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I miss this era type of pranks😭
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Ummm 😳
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this